UGH!!

When I first started this blog, I told you that it would be good therapy for me, right?  I guess you are supposed to be able to tell your therapist everything, so starting today, my therapy is writing, and you (readers) are my therapist.  And I suppose you dish your dirt to the therapist...no matter how mundane, or taboo.

In one of my first posts, I told how I was a fixer.  I mentioned wanting to fix my children's problems, fix the homeless people that are on every corner, fix it so that NO babe would be without breast milk.  But, one of the people that I have always tried to "fix" is my sister.

Ever since we were little, my sister and I have been very close.  You would never think that she was 2 years older than I am.  Why?  Because I have always been the "older" sister in theory.  And along with being the "older" sibling, I try to mother her.  That, in itself, is my problem.  I mother her.

Last night, I sent her a text, half joking, (although, I know there is always a half truth in everything one says) asking her if "Our house isn't good enough for her, anymore?"  Back story for a moment...

My sister has been renting rooms for about 3 years now.  She started renting from a gal in Lincoln City, and that didn't work out....so she rented another room from a couple in L.C. and lived there until she moved to Portland.  She moved in with us for about a month or 2, and then moved in with a gal that Kent used to work with.  From there, the gal got married and so the newlyweds preferred not to have a room mate.  So Maryann looked on Craigslist and found a room for rent with a dude and they got along great.  At first.  Then, the dudes old roommates brother moved in.  (Wrap your brain around THAT one!!)  Things were going well, but then the 2 dudes started bickering and complaining about each other and seemed to put Maryann in the middle.  Plus, the 2 dudes were pigs and M was bitching because she felt the need to clean up after them.  So, she couldn't stand it anymore, and found a different room to rent of off Craigslist.  She gave the new guy his rent money, spent one night there at the new house, and decided that she made a bad move (no pun intended).  So, as we were talking about her moving into this new room, she told me that she was afraid to stay at the new place, alone, because when she went there with all of her things, the guy was drunk and somewhat belligerent.  I told her to come stay the week at our house since Kent was out of town.  I then talked to Kent and he told me no...there was no way he was going to let her stay with us again.  Well, I may or may not have manipulated the situation, but he gave in, and said he would help her get on track with her life.  So, in she moved.

Back to the text from last night.  I was a little irritated with her because even though she is 42 years old, I still like to know if she is coming home for dinner or whatever.  I like to be "in the know."  I call it respect.  You respect the person enough to tell them when and if they will be home.  I would expect it from my children, and my husband, and I know they would expect it from me.  So, I texted her the above, and she said that she was at Dean's watching movies until she had to go to work.  (Dean is the person that took over her room at the place she moved out of where the 2 dudes couldn't get along.)  Ummm. OK?  YOU try making sense of this!!

So, the texts went like this:
Me- 'I know I am not your mother...and you are old enough to take care of yourself, but I do think it's rude to not tell me you won't be here for dinner.  I mean, you probably didn't even come back here after your doctor's appt?  Are we just a place to crash when you need it and it's convenient?  I don't get it.  I really don't.'
Her- 'You're right and I apologize.  I guess I'm too used to being alone and I'd be sleeping if I was there.  I know this'll sound ungrateful but I feel very uncomfortable there, I don't belong.  As soon as I can, I need my own space so I can stop intruding in yours.'

I won't bore you with the other texts because there was a lot of profanity (on my part.)

I'm frustrated.  I'm frustrated with her that at 42, she still doesn't have her shit together.  I'm frustrated at me because at 40...I'm still trying to be her mother.  Ashlyn told me this morning that I am frustrated with Maryann because I want her to have a good life, like mine.

But, as of today, and you all can help me be held accountable, I'm done mothering.  She has a mother.  And that isn't me.  I guess you would call me an enabler?  I enable her to be dependent on everybody but her.  I can't do it anymore.  Just like I can't fix my children's problems.  And I can't fix the world.  (I can't be like the ASPCA and spay and neuter everything and everybody.)  HAHAHAHA!!!  Sorry, a tiny bit of humor there.

My heart is heavy and still a little pissed off.  But, I need to do what needs to be done.  I can't look back, because it won't do me any good.

Thanks for listening to (reading) my frustration.  I am open to constructive criticism if you have any ideas for me.

And Maryann...if you read this, please know that I love you and really want what's best for you.  I know that you can be anything you want to be and you have the brains to do it.  On your own.  :)