OK...so now that I have my first post out of the way...let's get down to business.

The past couple of days, I have been pretty down.  And I really hate feeling down.  For a while, after Vivian was born, I went on Zoloft to help me feel happier.  While I didn't feel like crying anymore (which is a good thing) I just felt flat.  Like a flat line that you would see in a movie where they were looking at the heart rate monitor and there would be beeps...and then...all of the sudden, NOTHING.  I am not a fan of feeling down...nor am I a fan of flat-lining. (That, and other side effects including nether-region topics that I won't visit with you.)   So, I went off of the Zoloft and the tears became real again.  Not necessarily crying each and every day, but just a down feeling, here and there.  Life doesn't help, I tell you that.

And I am hoping, with the help of putting my thoughts and feelings down on paper (or computer screen...same thing) I can try to see why I feel this way.

Yesterday was not a good day for me.  And I will tell you why.

My sis and I went to my favorite store (Goodwill Outlet) and she left after about 10 minutes because she felt guilty of being there when she had other stuff that she could be doing.  So, I browsed...found a super cute jacket to wear to work (and did I mention cheap!!  Yeah BABY!!)  I digress...

Anyway, Ashlyn, my sweet, sweet girl, who is currently stationed in Afghanistan, called me.  The connection was not very good, but I managed to talk to her for about 15 minutes or so.  And I asked her how Robbie (her fiance) was.  Her reply was that she didn't know, and that she hadn't talked to him in a month, and hadn't emailed or received an email from him in about 2 weeks.

THAT broke my heart.  :(

I just want her to be happy...really ridiculously happy.  But, sadly, I know that life gets in the way...and there is NO WAY that she will be able to be happy 100% of the time.  But, it's something that we all want for our children, and when things go awry, I tend to want to be a fixer.

THERE!!  I SAID IT!!  I got it out there...and I would really like to be held accountable for that one sentence.  I TEND TO BE A FIXER.

I don't know why, but I want to "fix" the world.  I want to help people...but, I know that it's not my job to help everybody.  And honestly, this is something that I struggle with.  ALL.THE.TIME.

I sometimes wonder what happened to me when I was little to have this mothering instinct and just want to help people.  I mean, homeless people that stand on the corners kill me.  I would love to give everyone a couple of bucks everytime I see them.  But...ummm...that's a heck of a lot of money cause it's almost every street corner that I see someone.  And then, I feel guilty as I am driving away from them.  WHATTHEHECK??

About a month ago, I started pumping only twice a day.  (For those who are curious...I am a 2 time surrogate, and I had little Vivian Dec 2nd and was pumping for her, however, the pediatrician thought it best that she go on formula for her digestive system and I didn't want to stop pumping...)  And I felt that sent me into a tailspin, because I KNOW that there are so many needy babies that need breastmilk.  And I felt guilty (again) because I am able to pump this wonderful liquid gold and donate to babies...and here I was, only pumping in the morning, and at night.  So, I added another pump session in there, and even though I only get 2-3 ounces in that 15-20 minute session, I feel better.  Weird.  Really weird.

I posted a query on Facebook yesterday, asking how YOU stop yourself from wanting to help people all the time.  I was surprised that I only got 4 people to say something...and it wasn't very helpful.  Perhaps they thought that it was just a musing that I had and that I didn't really want people to answer.  LOL!!

OK...back to why yesterday wasn't a good day.  I couldn't fix my little girls problems.  And I hate that.  There is a lack of communication between the two of them, and distance is not helping.  AT.ALL.  That, and, a small amount of immaturity on both of their ends.  There.  I said it...I am just being honest.  Their relationship is still so new and they have been apart now for 8 months...and there really wasn't a whole lot of them being together before she left...I mean, a flight here and there to see each other...but not really being together, together.  Like living and seeing eachother each and every day, together.  I know they started out seeing each other everyday, but then, distance set in...her in Texas, him in Georgia.  Distance can be a relationship killer for sure.  That, and lack of communication, being insecure (you don't have to talk to me about being insecure...I know first hand that I am STILL insecure about certain things) and did I mention distance?  Yeah...all rolled into one clusterfuck of a not good time.  I feel bad for the two of them.  I just want them to be happy.  And when momma's happy....yeah.

I went to work after I talked to her and proceeded to get a raging headache.  So, smart me...took some Excedrin.  I don't know what happened but the headache got worse, and by the time I started driving home, all I wanted to do was puke.  And the half hour drive home felt like 2 freaking hours.  I wanted to pull over somewhere and puke into my lunch/milk bag, but I didn't.  I finally made it home.  KK was such a sweetheart that she made me some peppermint tea, and brought crackers (nicely arranged, no less) on a tray with 3 tea packs, 2 hot apple cider packs, water, and ice, along with the hot water for my tea.  And honestly, (after I threw up) I ate the crackers and drank the tea, and I felt better.  Oh, and I took some Ibuprofen and it kicked that headache right in the nuts...so it left!!  YAY!!

So...that was my day.  And, it was Friday the 13th.  Not that I believe in anything like that...lol.